I'm not a huge fan of xanga anymore, but there's a million things on my mind.
I'm even scared of having thoughts that would make myself angry, I don't know what's wrong with me.
I kind of feel like crying myself to sleep because that usually helps, or at least squashes the feelings for a good while.
But I just want to go home, have my mom fix me a nice meal and run her fingers through my hair just like when I was a little girl. Everything so comfortable and I am not in a strange place. Yes, laugh at me all you want, but you wouldn't laugh if only you felt how miserable I feel.
It's not fair, I didn't ask to grow up. In fact, the last time I ever wanted to age was when I was 12 years old. Ever since I was 13 I have wanted to stay young forever...But I am growing old. I'm destroying my own body by not eating enough. But it feels good. Why? Because it's the one thing I have control over. It feels nice to relish the fact that I am making myself look better. Something that I have power over...control over. I don't have complete control over school, as essays can be subjective even with the help of an experienced editor.
I just want to curl up in a ball, close my eyes, and never open them again. I wish I didn't have to hear, so I wouldn't know what other people thought of me. Isn't this terrible? It's like I'm almost afraid of human beings, I'm afraid of what they will think of me because they will probably laugh at me. The thought is like a hard candy in my mouth, I'm turning it over and over with my tongue, the thought I mean, and I'm trying to feel every corner of this thought. I try to penetrate this thought, to feel it thoroughly...to know exactly what it means. And then I wake up from a shock...and I'm afraid again. It's raging in my mind, it's laughing at me at how pathetic I have grown. I'm trying to forgive it, plead to it how I want mercy...but it wont give me mercy, no! Not at all. It just laughs there, with it's great claw clenched around my neck, tightening my thoughts, making me go mad.
Somewhere in the midst of all this, there's another me crying. She seems angry too, but mostly sad. I try to hold her in my arms but she just slaps me away, saying she wants to be alone. I try to tell her that I love her and she's still beautiful in my eyes but all she wants to be is left alone. I'm shaking there, starting to break down with her, but she won't sympathize with me. She won't let me get near her, so I just slump to the ground a few feet away and cry to myself. The two parts of me feeling so disconnected from one another. One is full of rage, hatred, and the other one is full of shock, stillness.
But then out of nowhere, the other girl inches towards me. The next second she hold's my hand and tells me it's alright, to forgive her angry outburst, but instead of accepting her apology, I just rip a murderous scream telling how she has some nerve! I jerk away my own hand from her and angrily tell her to get away and not touch me. She keeps her distance, her face facing my back and begins crying. How ironic isn't it? It's a disgusting cycle of apologies and anger. One must forgive and the other must hate, the never ending cycle...oh how bizarre.
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I hate it when people say "It's not you, it's me." Wait what? Are you trying to sound like a douche? Please tell me you are joking right?
Yeah I guess I am a hypocrite, but at least I will admit it. Nothing more atrocious than seeing the hypocrites denying their hypocrisy.
I wonder if how he could still say something like that. It just rips me apart. I would through my life away for you, I would be miserable for many years...only if I knew I was to be with you soon. But you won't it's too darn much! Why am I always doing more work than usual? Really wish people could pick themselves up by the bootstraps, it would save a lot of agony.
But you know? I do believe it is my fault. My fault in believing too much in humans. Believing that they are wonderful beings. I expect too much out of people, because I like to see them as flawless. Well, it certainly is a rude awakening, and it sucks that I keep trying to expect the great. I just have to lower my standards then :(
Also, it just makes me so angry when someone tries to say something cruel about my new found friend. It makes me wonder if it's worth making friends at all. Because, ya know, it seems as if I don't make quality friends according to other people. If that's the case, who do I make friends with? ....
yup.
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